Purgatory

And I was told to love you,
because without you the emptiness would be too much too bear.
And I was told to forgive you,
because the hatred for you would eventually kill me.
But the truth was.
Whether you were there or not.
My life was a rapidly moving train.
Derailed by the speed of pain,
I watched the slow motion disaster unfold
before my very eyes:
too horrific to move, too awful to turn away.
I tasted the misery on my tongue,
felt its crawl on my skin.
As the universe opened up a black worm hole.
Spiraling down as it burnt up.
The darkness consuming everything around me.
And I fell.
Not knowing which way was up or down.
Into the abyss as it cascaded with tears of the dead.
And I could have asked you to stay,
just so I wouldn't be alone when it all came crashing down,
but I recall a faint voice in the back of my head
saying this was a perfect replica.
Identical to the precise moment I fell for yo.
And  fell for you.
I fell for you hard.
And I could have buried my head in a pillow
and yelped out in pain,
but the misery clawed at my throat,
and I was too busy trying to survive.
Too busy missing you to remember to fight for air,
and my lungs ached for oxygen
but the insides of my thighs had a deeper aching,
for the kiss of your lips.
And my tears fell but my hands were too busy
trying to reinvent the touch of your fingertips on my skin.
So they drowned me.
And they all told me to forget you,
because regretting what you did was better than regretting what you didn't do.
And I called their bluff,
as I pulled up my blue sleeves to reveal my tattered wrists.
Because never meeting you
would have been so much easier
than whatever purgatory this is...

Dead love

I.
Cannot.
Pick up a pencil.
I cannot paint a stroke.
I cannot pen a fucking word.

I cannot cry a damn tear.
But i ache to feel something.

I yearn to be numb,
in the pain of your resolution.
I cry out for the shame,
but so suddenly, I cannot.

I waltz from lover to past lover
searching for what i had with you.
But nothing ever feels the same.
It never feels right.

And I would hate you,
but I'm too busy reminiscing,
your toxic kiss.

And I would have killed you,
but I'm too fucking busy trying
not too love you.

And some day will come,
my 'dear' friend.
When its all faded away.
And I will reach into your wretched cage,
feel the chilling ache of your frozen heart
and I will reach in and grab
the remnants of my own bitter heart.
The misery gnawing at my fingernails,
bitten raw in anticipation.
Our song will fade.
And I will regain my soul.

But until then ,
until that last hour.
Do not stop,
telling my bleeding ears
the venomous lies of shrapnel words.
Don't stop kissing my skin,
until the yellowing puss of your 'I love you's.
For  I cannot reclaim all that is and what was mine,
until I have die.
So dance with me.
My sweet ecstasy.
The misery of cocaine.
Acid tripping circuits and faintly intoxicated glimmering stages.
Until I am dead.
Continue until I die.
Until we are dead...

Untitled

Alone.

Without a face.

I stood before you , and with my quivering hands,

sprawled up , out into the night sky, 

like an offering to the God on high.

I surrendered my soul

and you...

Like a frightened child

fell at my feet 

and chuckled. 

It was the end of an era 

and you were beginning a fresh,

a new,

with a lover that was not me...

Thus was the journey of my love for you...

The Manic Depressant Files.

Everyday life was a battle.

She lived like the arduous were unconquerable alps, never ending peaks

 and the effortless were unfathomable gallows spiralling into rapidly descending pits.

Soaring from mushroom cloud to cumulus nimbus of doom,

Each one shattering the small hope reserved to jump to the next.

She was a soldier, sent to battle with only her bare  exposed heart as a weapon.

A country, a small island, landlocked by continents at war.

She was no man land, dancing a waltz that only she knew:

Ducking and diving through fallen debris and flying shrapnel wounded souls

Who could love a  girl whose wounds covered her entire face.

Whose skin was a thin tattered cloak of pain, anguish and unsurpassed mistakes?

Who would see deep beneath the measure of self loathing despair to the women who lay there?

Long since forgotten…

Now she waded monsters and demons, in search of her next fix.

The devil that would play in her veins making her forget.

But she wasn't always this way.

There wasn't always a pernicious thicket of thorn bearing foliage and detrimental hate,

No she too was once so beautiful.

A sweet little girl with pigtails, played in a park,

With no one watching, she was well on her way to paradise…

Now she clung to the memories of that state

Waiting for them to come and take her away.

And sometimes she thought it would be better that way.

Men in cloaks as white as the bright heavenly light,

To take her away to a place where she could never hurt herself again.

Where the year old  needles and blades couldn't slice jagged flesh from her unwanted body

And no, she probably wouldn't bleed ever again but at least there,

Wherever there was,

They couldn't hurt her there.

So she'd gladly welcome her cocktail of pills and gulp down her last bottle of rum.

And pray that when they found her she would be dead.

But if for some reason she heard the faraway sirens whirling in an approaching distance

She hoped to hear them say she were a danger to herself,

Knowing full well that she were a danger to them all

And so her fairy-tale show would end

And in a place where the walls were softer and the sounds were sweet.

She'd have three meals a day and a few more pills to take away the pain

And say goodbye to the horrid numbness that ricochet and say hello to the rest of eternity.

She would fly away tonight and then,

Only then would everything be okay.  

Calling Me

I looked into my past, and I was cold.
You had gone away.
The sun had stopped shinning,
the warm breeze had frozen into gusts of ice filled shards and bitterness,
scrapping at my skin.
I am not the girl I used to be.
Yesterday i was so sad, so dark and so alone.
Today I am a women. embracing her words, solitude is now a glory.
But sometimes, sometimes you are pulled back into my mind, and grab at me,
with talons of decay:
I feel myself withering in the distance of those memories.
I see it, the way I let you bring me down,
 I feel it,
the way you turn me back into that girl i used to be.
I lied.
Why cant I let you go completely.
Why do I still hide that fragment of who you used to be,
And I hear you, I hear you calling me,
with a voice so distance,
to answer back to you.
I was fighting to stay alive,
skimming the surface,
I was drowning,
trying not to die.
I survived!
why cant I let that fragment of who you used to be go...
why are you still there!
Like a child, standing still at the door,
watching hope and fantasy drifting away into the distance until I am nothing but a fading dot in a faraway fading horizon.
Why are you still calling me?
Why are you still there?
I hear you calling me, but there is nothing i can do.
No way I can force you to leave me alone,
without drifting back into the distance.
Why are you calling me?
Why are you still holding onto me?
Let me go. please, please! please... please...
We've already said goodbye...
Why are you still calling out to me.
Just go...
let me go, so that i may let you go, for good...
for good...

A Universe Unknown

She had a smile oh her cheeks,
(cherry pink lips to kiss)
and mischief in her chocolate star eyes,
Twinkling wild.
And when she danced...
Oh,
How she was free!
To frolic with the enchanting beat.

Her blue ruffles and ebony curls,
twirled.
Drawing breaths from lips , across the room,
She was always pleasant
in the way she made him feel.
From the twinkling of her bare toes,
to the tinsel dangling from her little nose.

She was magic.
Like Summer and snow,
Or a song from a piano
his heart would always know.
A universe unknown
They felt every key...
Like a harp
she plucked
(every string )
to the rhythm of her own heart.
who's song would always be known.

Mystery,
(no, awe)
poured from her soul.
She was a universe of hidden wonders,
Each ,
to which,
were marvels forever undiscovered,
unknown.
(Waiting to crumble)
To whomever dared.

He lay eye's upon the glory of her chocolate star eyes,
his knees kissed the ground...
and softly his lips quivered...
"Behold, you are, the universe unknown"
 
Mystique xxxx

The way it ought to be...

She yearned,
for something to numb the pain,
the agony of knowing.
If only just for a shortened while.
They said:
"Knowledge,
it's power",
but what power was there in knowing
what she had done,
really done...
All that she was truly responsible for?

She ached for something,
to take away the regret.
To make her forget.
Because there was a beauty,
and a wonder,
more than bliss.
In being ignorant,
oblivious to the blood
stained on her hands.

It was the ease,
the natural simplicity
with which,
she could lay her head,
upon a pillow,
close her eyes and fall
(drifting swiftly)
and sleep would come.
With the stars and fade away
with the rising sun.
The way it ought t be...

Mystique xxxx

It was called Love

It was called love, 

when she was lost and alone.

The misery consuming her,

Each wave stealing a part of her soul.

She was drowning, within her own misery. 

The demons of her past reaching of her battered soul.

Heart gasping, flailing wildly in desperate need of air. 

For light, for a source of hope. 

It was but futile war...

The hurt crawled beneath her skin,

Gnawing at each vessel,poisoning blood, all too pure intention

Her heart pumped a virus that festered Satan spawn within ones mind.

Surrendering her essence to the darkened coldness,

She closed her eyes and gently...

She exhaled...

It was done...

The virus had won, but it wasn't done...

For Dante xxxx 

Mystique