Pieces of the mystery.

      Pieces of the Mystery.

Every now and then we find out things we never knew about ourselves. like a new song that we thought we loved but actually hate, or a memory we'd almost forgotten, its all part of the journey of creating ourselves, little pieces of the wonderful mystery of who we'll become... 

So here are a few of my mysteries, just pieces of me, feel free to add bits of your own, see what wonders we can create. 


xxxx
Mystique




Moments In Time:

There was a moment in time, where the world seemed quiet, peaceful almost tranquil. A time where the world almost didn’t seem as messed up as we all knew it was, I knew it was but in those moments I could just, be, sit in solitude and breathe for the first time in so much time that I’d forgotten how to count it. I sat there in the whispering darkness, meditating on the songs of stars, dancing in the sweet breeze. I felt something I could only describe as almost whole, pretending I was normal and for a moment I was… OH how I was… But then time passed and reality burst through…

Like looking into the hourglass of time I saw who I really was, the drums echoed on and I took a deep breath and opened my eyes and she stood there, looking right back at me, there you were, the girl I’d spent so much of my life hiding from, like girls who swear never to turn into their mothers I grew into you, morphed myself into the dark side of the mood, so far, so cold even stars shun me, I was alone, I stared at you as your angry eyes glared back at me. Hard, never faltering, how could one person harbour so much hate, so much pain…

I tried to walk away but there you were, in the shadows, in the cracks of light, following me like the reaper followed the dead, you were an extension of me like my hand or my own arm, the legs that led me to bed, the eyes that taught me to see you were never just another small piece of me you were the part of me I never dared confront, never dared to mention. You grew legs and arms and hair, you taught me to apply liner, taught me how to love the stain of lipstick smeared across my smile you danced with my head as it turned to the tune of dangling earrings you taught me to be a woman, how to lure men into my trap. Taught me how to appreciate the sentiment of sex, how my body was magic how it was art. I wanted to feel pain you taught me how to love it, how to revel in the black toxicity of tears, to never brush away the salty water from my liar eyes unless we were not alone. You created me and now you own me.

I sat there on my couch hunched over myself as I raked the waters away, searching the world for who I was. I had forgotten who I was I sat there praying to the winds, and the letters on my keyboard that somewhere, somehow I would find a piece of me, I didn’t even know if it would work but I had no other choice, I was so desperate and that’s exactly how you wanted me, sprawled  out on the floor, begging for mercy and that’s exactly what I did, I did exactly what you wanted me to do, I sat there on that bathroom floor, my arms wrapped around my legs as I buried my knees into my aching chest crying into my knees, to a god I didn’t even believe in anymore, begging for a way out, for the strength to end it all. And I know, oh baby I know who you are now, I know what you are but I can’t get you out of my head, I can’t separate the skin from bone, muscle from sinew I can’t tell where your hand ends and mine begins because they are on in the same. I can’t tell the difference between my weakness and my strength, cant differentiate the voices you planted in me and the real ones. So like an immune system fighting off a virus I began attacking myself and now all that’s left is you and I don’t have the strength to defeat you so you taunt me, dance in my head with reassuring chants of matrimony and like a fool I begin to believe that maybe I'm better off this way… Maybe I am better off this way, succumbing to the misery, to the pain, maybe it won’t hurt so much if I just give in, let the darkness take over…  Maybe this is how it’s meant to be, maybe this truly is the real me…     

xxxx

Mysique

The Girl I Used To Be:

I’ve been sitting here, night after night, trying to figure out what the purpose to life actually is.   Racking my brain as to why the world is so dark and cruel. Why good, decent honest people get hurt all the time, why the kind and gentle are preyed upon and yet the world seems to marvel at them, as though they were something magical and yet treat them as though they were weak, disposable, forgotten….

I watched her drift away in the sea of hardened filth, desperately giving away pieces of herself, like Band-Aids, trying to mend putrid wounds with jasmine kisses,, she was a combat medic in the trenches of despair. I watched her carve up chunks of  herself hoping to stitch together broken men, shattered women , empty should, hollowed creatures that stole her warmth, dimming her light she was a hopeless romantic I a horror show, a true piece of art work, and my was she beautiful. Towering six feet above it all, she was nothing short of Hope at the bottom of Pandora ’s Box, but how… How anyone could live like that, how could she dance amongst murderers and thieves and maintain her light, how could anyone…

 She was a beacon of light, on a dreary night, and just like that one afternoon her light ran out…

And here I sat, another sleepless night, trying to figure out why… Why the world will break you down day after day and expect you to maintain your shape, how can you defend yourself when your cast aside like something unwanted, loss of use, how can it expect you to shine if they keep, keep breaking you down.

I watched her, get up time and time again, after every battle, after every fight, forcing a smile, but this time, this time was different, this time she didn’t get up, she didn’t dust herself off, she just lay there, not a fight left in her. I watched the darkness in her eyes take over, watched her exhale, watched her crawl away, I watched the magic inside her, I watched it die…

I watched them walk away, disappointed, as if they expected another outcome, I watched them tower over her as she lay there naked, but not afraid, just so small, I watched her, fade away, and all I could do was breathe, waiting for her to sparkle, to shimmer, to give me the slightest glimmer but there was nothing there, nothing left…

Now they curse her, and call her awful names, because she walks among them, they tell her she's cruel, words full of venom, tell her to back off, to get over it, tell her the anger will poison her, but they don’t get it, they never have. How can they, their all one in the same, creating monsters and expecting them to change, creating demons and wanting to see the light. They created her and now they hate her, how can that be….

“Because we hate what we are my dear” she said, her eyes were cold her voice calm.  I watched her that night, throw it all away, but this was different, Id watched her wither away for years but that night, I watched her, for the first time, battered soul soaring free, lathered in hatred and pain, she was as light as she had ever been, no burden of hurting anyone, no weight of mercy or self-gain, she was as light as a feather as she raised her arms, hands open to the midnight sky, as they pushed her of the cliff, awaiting her with fists to skin she wore the scars with pride, and that was the way they carried her to her grave. Blood-stained clothes in tatters, naked and unafraid, she was never ashamed on that day… 

xxxx
Mystique