Purgatory

And I was told to love you,
because without you the emptiness would be too much too bear.
And I was told to forgive you,
because the hatred for you would eventually kill me.
But the truth was.
Whether you were there or not.
My life was a rapidly moving train.
Derailed by the speed of pain,
I watched the slow motion disaster unfold
before my very eyes:
too horrific to move, too awful to turn away.
I tasted the misery on my tongue,
felt its crawl on my skin.
As the universe opened up a black worm hole.
Spiraling down as it burnt up.
The darkness consuming everything around me.
And I fell.
Not knowing which way was up or down.
Into the abyss as it cascaded with tears of the dead.
And I could have asked you to stay,
just so I wouldn't be alone when it all came crashing down,
but I recall a faint voice in the back of my head
saying this was a perfect replica.
Identical to the precise moment I fell for yo.
And  fell for you.
I fell for you hard.
And I could have buried my head in a pillow
and yelped out in pain,
but the misery clawed at my throat,
and I was too busy trying to survive.
Too busy missing you to remember to fight for air,
and my lungs ached for oxygen
but the insides of my thighs had a deeper aching,
for the kiss of your lips.
And my tears fell but my hands were too busy
trying to reinvent the touch of your fingertips on my skin.
So they drowned me.
And they all told me to forget you,
because regretting what you did was better than regretting what you didn't do.
And I called their bluff,
as I pulled up my blue sleeves to reveal my tattered wrists.
Because never meeting you
would have been so much easier
than whatever purgatory this is...

Dead love

I.
Cannot.
Pick up a pencil.
I cannot paint a stroke.
I cannot pen a fucking word.

I cannot cry a damn tear.
But i ache to feel something.

I yearn to be numb,
in the pain of your resolution.
I cry out for the shame,
but so suddenly, I cannot.

I waltz from lover to past lover
searching for what i had with you.
But nothing ever feels the same.
It never feels right.

And I would hate you,
but I'm too busy reminiscing,
your toxic kiss.

And I would have killed you,
but I'm too fucking busy trying
not too love you.

And some day will come,
my 'dear' friend.
When its all faded away.
And I will reach into your wretched cage,
feel the chilling ache of your frozen heart
and I will reach in and grab
the remnants of my own bitter heart.
The misery gnawing at my fingernails,
bitten raw in anticipation.
Our song will fade.
And I will regain my soul.

But until then ,
until that last hour.
Do not stop,
telling my bleeding ears
the venomous lies of shrapnel words.
Don't stop kissing my skin,
until the yellowing puss of your 'I love you's.
For  I cannot reclaim all that is and what was mine,
until I have die.
So dance with me.
My sweet ecstasy.
The misery of cocaine.
Acid tripping circuits and faintly intoxicated glimmering stages.
Until I am dead.
Continue until I die.
Until we are dead...

Untitled

Alone.

Without a face.

I stood before you , and with my quivering hands,

sprawled up , out into the night sky, 

like an offering to the God on high.

I surrendered my soul

and you...

Like a frightened child

fell at my feet 

and chuckled. 

It was the end of an era 

and you were beginning a fresh,

a new,

with a lover that was not me...

Thus was the journey of my love for you...

The women in the window

Often she would sit up until late at night, just so she was alone enough to hurt ,or for the pain her mind would create, for the pain she couldn't quite forgive the world for and it was quite a saddening shame, because when she was wild and free she was happy and oh how beautiful she was when that happiness overflowed. But when the moon began its slow descend and began to let the sun breath, you could always find her, sitting up in her loneliness...

And with a bottle of whisky in on hand and another cigarette in the other her inner war began. A raging tirade of assaults and gruesome murders taking place on each and every page Scorching her soul from the outside in, she was born different , dying from the moment she took her first breath, each chapter was a massacre that worsened her grief until one day, her story would end...
You could take another swing at her, it wouldn't do you any good. She was her own worst enemy, you couldn't hurt her even if you tried...
 The women in the window.

She hated the weekends because she thought they brought out the worst in  people and for those around her they did, and it wasn't always to no avail because it was for these moments she wove her pains between the lines of her beautifully donned lies, and she would sit at that old typewriter,hunting and pecking every word until her heart was empty and her soul was bare and the demons inside her were starved and her masterpiece was complete. But the time would come and just few moments before dawn arose he would come home and perhaps her joy would return, no one could ever tell, for he loved her in a way that both invigorated and suffocated her. Giving her life and taking it all away, simultaneously. She had never been as alive as the moment whence she had met him and yet, it was at that precise moment she had begun to die...
Her slow suicide.

She loved him the way prisoners grew to love their captors, the way lovers learnt to love being apart. She loved him with all the glories that she once had  and all that she would one day have, until she had nothing left at all. And it was sickening to stand back and see, how in the moonlight, tiny cracks in her smile would begin to show . How she had scars that not even time could heal. She had spiders and monsters lurking never so far deep beneath the surface of her glistening skin and bellow those , low and behold, was the worst kind of hell. Fires and pain, sadness and  the most excruciating of eternal aches, but beneath that , all the hollows of hell. She had paradise...
Sweet, soft and serene, she often fought to save this, or to Shield it from her cruel world, no one could tell but she was always afraid. No one person could get down there, never even near. Down those levels to all such as this, but he...

He was the little hope she still had ever reserved and then one day he had all of a sudden left, and now, now she is the tragedy of pity you see before you. Cold and hardened by her pain, often none could tell if he would return and mend all what he had shattered... And now as she is the women in the window, as she always had, she sits at her desk, buried behind that old typewriter beckoning the moments before dawn to break, it is never unseen in her eyes, that there is nothing, not a damn thing more tragically beautiful in this whole damned world than the way she loved him and you may say that they might have been together for the briefest eternity or the longest moment in time but it is always with sinking heart that we are to know, they were never together at all...

The Manic Depressant Files.

Everyday life was a battle.

She lived like the arduous were unconquerable alps, never ending peaks

 and the effortless were unfathomable gallows spiralling into rapidly descending pits.

Soaring from mushroom cloud to cumulus nimbus of doom,

Each one shattering the small hope reserved to jump to the next.

She was a soldier, sent to battle with only her bare  exposed heart as a weapon.

A country, a small island, landlocked by continents at war.

She was no man land, dancing a waltz that only she knew:

Ducking and diving through fallen debris and flying shrapnel wounded souls

Who could love a  girl whose wounds covered her entire face.

Whose skin was a thin tattered cloak of pain, anguish and unsurpassed mistakes?

Who would see deep beneath the measure of self loathing despair to the women who lay there?

Long since forgotten…

Now she waded monsters and demons, in search of her next fix.

The devil that would play in her veins making her forget.

But she wasn't always this way.

There wasn't always a pernicious thicket of thorn bearing foliage and detrimental hate,

No she too was once so beautiful.

A sweet little girl with pigtails, played in a park,

With no one watching, she was well on her way to paradise…

Now she clung to the memories of that state

Waiting for them to come and take her away.

And sometimes she thought it would be better that way.

Men in cloaks as white as the bright heavenly light,

To take her away to a place where she could never hurt herself again.

Where the year old  needles and blades couldn't slice jagged flesh from her unwanted body

And no, she probably wouldn't bleed ever again but at least there,

Wherever there was,

They couldn't hurt her there.

So she'd gladly welcome her cocktail of pills and gulp down her last bottle of rum.

And pray that when they found her she would be dead.

But if for some reason she heard the faraway sirens whirling in an approaching distance

She hoped to hear them say she were a danger to herself,

Knowing full well that she were a danger to them all

And so her fairy-tale show would end

And in a place where the walls were softer and the sounds were sweet.

She'd have three meals a day and a few more pills to take away the pain

And say goodbye to the horrid numbness that ricochet and say hello to the rest of eternity.

She would fly away tonight and then,

Only then would everything be okay.  

Calling Me

I looked into my past, and I was cold.
You had gone away.
The sun had stopped shinning,
the warm breeze had frozen into gusts of ice filled shards and bitterness,
scrapping at my skin.
I am not the girl I used to be.
Yesterday i was so sad, so dark and so alone.
Today I am a women. embracing her words, solitude is now a glory.
But sometimes, sometimes you are pulled back into my mind, and grab at me,
with talons of decay:
I feel myself withering in the distance of those memories.
I see it, the way I let you bring me down,
 I feel it,
the way you turn me back into that girl i used to be.
I lied.
Why cant I let you go completely.
Why do I still hide that fragment of who you used to be,
And I hear you, I hear you calling me,
with a voice so distance,
to answer back to you.
I was fighting to stay alive,
skimming the surface,
I was drowning,
trying not to die.
I survived!
why cant I let that fragment of who you used to be go...
why are you still there!
Like a child, standing still at the door,
watching hope and fantasy drifting away into the distance until I am nothing but a fading dot in a faraway fading horizon.
Why are you still calling me?
Why are you still there?
I hear you calling me, but there is nothing i can do.
No way I can force you to leave me alone,
without drifting back into the distance.
Why are you calling me?
Why are you still holding onto me?
Let me go. please, please! please... please...
We've already said goodbye...
Why are you still calling out to me.
Just go...
let me go, so that i may let you go, for good...
for good...

A Message To My Generation- Molly Kate Kestner

Disappointment

Exhaustion begins to settle the desire for something greater, something more than waiting until they appear or perhaps they are already here, but my lack of knowledge ;of their existence ; makes it all that difficult. How can one truly prepare for the unknown, without a stitch of knowledge, a single clue, and to get ones hopes up so early, time and time again would merely be cruel. Once was death twice would be murder or perhaps suicide if you, yourself let this be. So you see  not much can be done other than to sit around and wait, which is pain on its own. This, and this yes, this is where it begins
Exhaustion beginning to settle. Death is left to follow.

Letting ones self down.
Mystique

Mystique the facebook page

Hey all,

 I  know i've been away for a while without a word but im glad to inform you all that i am indeed back and am making a few new changes to the page. starting with a few new posts and a little lighter insight into my life. I know i'm not famous  or anyone special but what i do know for sure is that i am me and as unexciting my life my seem I am extremely proud of it, and i know that many of you can relate to at least one of my crazy intricate personalities, so I've decided to start a facebook page with all the things Mystique encounters, its not much but I've decided that i want to dedicate it to you all, because Mystique wouldn't be what it is today without you all and also the fact that I feel like I'm talking to myself out there, so please, add me, like the page drop me an inbox, give some suggestions and lets make mystique as wonderful as we all are.
stay golden xx
Mystique <3

I am a women

Not so long ago I sat in a room, a room I knew very well and thought to myself,  endlessly around in circles about who I was, who I used to be and there were moments I didn't quite know, then I thought, why. Why was I so suddenly this being who no longer recognised her own reflection, and amidst this I recoiled and these words presented themselves to me:  

I am a woman, imperfectly so. I have flaws and I have scars. Bad angles and wayward hair days, but I am still a women. I am difficult and complex, a paradigm of the universe and a product of this earth. Why would I want to deface something so wonderful the heavens put me here? Why are we so infatuated with the idea of being someone we are not? I we were all to wake up tomorrow and everything we complained about was perfect, where would we be? Breasts forever perky, like unexplored sixteen year old Barbie doll, wrapped and boxed for the world to see. If our hips never curved, widening to support life. Eyes never wrinkling in remembrance of a smile. Teeth crooked from ice-cream smiles and taking chunks from life. If that is the world you want to live in, I pity you.

 How could you be so selfish to want your partner to be perfect? Never falling and grazing a knee to understand that he or she is no God. How could you be so cruel to yourself to never want to experience the bad things in life, to never truly understand how those make you appreciate the good. How could you want t rob yourself and those around you of a love so wonderful, so pure as the one that you may share with that wonder staring back at you through the mirror, telling you how foolish you might be. You are a women, a product of the earth. A man, the protector of her light that shines ever so bright. Wake up! Open your eyes, she is fragile so you may care for her, she is strong so she may shelter you from the storm. And if this is the world you wish to live in then count me out, cause as you stand before crowds, lips filled with collagen, wrinkles filled with lies I’ll be here sitting at the back of the crowd having the time of my life. Wake up sweetheart when you're six feet under, maggots don't care if you died at fifty looking twenty-five. 

You're still going to die, and that, that my friends is the beauty of it all. To be honest and true, to look like a crumpled piece of paper because you laughed, to have boobs dancing on your stomach and an ass dangling way past your thighs, it makes the best music when it hits the back of your knees and I may still be young with a body that looks nubile, but I know when my time comes, I won’t hide behind incisions made beneath a surgical knife, I’ll embrace the dimples on my tights because I am women, a real women, imperfectly so. And I'm still more than happy to be alive. 

A Universe Unknown

She had a smile oh her cheeks,
(cherry pink lips to kiss)
and mischief in her chocolate star eyes,
Twinkling wild.
And when she danced...
Oh,
How she was free!
To frolic with the enchanting beat.

Her blue ruffles and ebony curls,
twirled.
Drawing breaths from lips , across the room,
She was always pleasant
in the way she made him feel.
From the twinkling of her bare toes,
to the tinsel dangling from her little nose.

She was magic.
Like Summer and snow,
Or a song from a piano
his heart would always know.
A universe unknown
They felt every key...
Like a harp
she plucked
(every string )
to the rhythm of her own heart.
who's song would always be known.

Mystery,
(no, awe)
poured from her soul.
She was a universe of hidden wonders,
Each ,
to which,
were marvels forever undiscovered,
unknown.
(Waiting to crumble)
To whomever dared.

He lay eye's upon the glory of her chocolate star eyes,
his knees kissed the ground...
and softly his lips quivered...
"Behold, you are, the universe unknown"
 
Mystique xxxx

The way it ought to be...

She yearned,
for something to numb the pain,
the agony of knowing.
If only just for a shortened while.
They said:
"Knowledge,
it's power",
but what power was there in knowing
what she had done,
really done...
All that she was truly responsible for?

She ached for something,
to take away the regret.
To make her forget.
Because there was a beauty,
and a wonder,
more than bliss.
In being ignorant,
oblivious to the blood
stained on her hands.

It was the ease,
the natural simplicity
with which,
she could lay her head,
upon a pillow,
close her eyes and fall
(drifting swiftly)
and sleep would come.
With the stars and fade away
with the rising sun.
The way it ought t be...

Mystique xxxx

The first of many Thank You's

To: P.J.K and C.J. Selyer 

There will always be a part of her, that clings to the past, but there was a greater more dominant part that new the future awaited her, and to accept it fully, she needed to let go of the life she used to lead, and it wasn't until she was to lose a greater part of her soul that she found herself crumbling back to that place she knew too well.

This was the thing about life and death. Death was peaceful and almost something easy, to simply let go and float away to another place, where love awaited you, with arms open and warm, but living? Living was harder. Living left you naked, open and raw. Living was sore, it was brutal and without mercy . Plagued with the fury of war. Life was a monster, nay, a vicious beast, that without her learning  to control would take her by the soul and reduce her to something less that a ghost. And that it had on many occasions at a time, but this was not one, his was the moment she learnt that she was not truly alone. She was there now, and even if she had to let go of that part of her soul, if I had to let o of that part of my soul, i wasnt truly alone because i was that girl, who never truly learnt to walk away from her past but this time, this night, i learnt that i did not only have him to support me but i had her, and her words were as comforting as those of a mother, she was my second protector. An angel sent from the heavens , to guard over me, stand beside me and yet she too stood back and let me shine.

And as i spent my time wondering what they saw in me, that made them both risk so much to let me fly, I realized, maybe i would never understand the meaning behind their words, and the reasons for their love, but at this moment, where i battled with that beast, I would simply let them be and accept their love because i had nothing more. I was so much more with them in my life.  accomplished more with them at my side and i needed them, more than they would ever know.

And for this i could never thank them enough, but I would start with proving their love and loyalty was never for noting and start with a million Thank You's. So, to: P.J.K and C.J Selyer.

The first of many Thank You's.
Mystique xxxx

Just a thought on love

There's this marvellous thing we call love, a feeling really. however a dangerous emotion because its the most powerful of all. You see I've recently discovered the wonder of this feeling. After so many years of having it tainted, wisted and warped, i had a disfigured view on it, and then, he came along, yes, He came along. he was like no other i had seen before and just like that. It was as if he saw right through my bullshit and made all the voices inside my head just just up. I was hooked. He became the only drug i needed, and then he became my springboard, my inspiration, my muse. and then for the first time, i was open to this world i never knew existed.

As simple as that. he took me and he turned my world the right way round and i fought the truth for a while but he didn't just change me, he changed the people around me, and that's when i knew, and  wouldn't dare admit it to him, but that's when i knew, there is no use fighting it. when you love somebody, it changes you, suddenly it isn't just you, its us, and we.

He was a new planet, undiscovered and the first of his kind and i was drawn t him like a piece of space debris drawn into his orbit and then all of a sudden i was alive. so yes,i am doing the sappy Love post's of late but only because i wish everyone to find something as beautiful as this.

And I really do believe its out there for all of us. so stay strong puppies, age is but a number, you could be nineteen or a hundred and nine when you meet that special someone, but trust me. when you meet them, and you love them, each moment, no matter how small, become a lifetime of something magical. and i urge you to go for the person who looks at you like your magic, because if you can see it in his eye's he really does see the magic inside of you, and that's what we're all after is it not? someone to see the magic inside us all.

Stay golden
Mystique xxxx

Home

She  was home

The past was her oldest and dearest friend. the music lasted around her, bouncing off walls and ricocheting from memory to memory, she was lost no more. This place she now called home, was her safe haven from the cruelty of the blistering winds of the universe, oh what a thought, she cried to herself as the violin played on, a lone symphony only evident to them, she yearned for an age old relic that kept her in tact. she yearned for the laugh it had once cause her, but only for a moment before the earnest truth trickled in through the seems. Nights beside the waters, rippling from the moments they had cast now in heart stone. She was one with the mercy of the worlds, and just as she began to slip, from chair to floor, intoxicated with hatred and vengeance, he caught her, by the hand, and then arm, and as he slowly inched his way across her skin, she felt his soul intertwine with hers and just as their eyes met, a thousand kisses were shared betwixt eyes so fond of tales not yet shared...

His arms held her close, and walls came crashing down, and from tightly touching lips, gently sharing hearts and mind, her should her the whispers of his intentions. "If i cant break doors down for you, i'll hold you as we pick the locks, together..." and silently all of her exhaled. She was now home.

For P.J.K
Mystique xxxx

A princess story.

It begun to astonish me, when my life became a series of fearful moments. where i was caged in a box far from who i truly was in the name of love. How it was so i never realized until it was so late and i lay face first n my bed, sure he would kill me. my own flesh and blood, unwilling to let e spread my wings because it was not on his terms. who was he to pass judgement on the terms of my existence? who was he to tell me how to live when the life that he helped create was the very life that he too helped destroy, having abandoned and left it to its own vices as tender ages, that was the life that found its own way and now he returns to smother its flame with his over bearing movements.

i was stuck, and history does repeat itself. now i was a princess, locked in my own tower. too afraid to move. i waited fearfully for my prince charming to come and battle the dragon and save me from the life i was so forcefully plunged into.

i knew that part of the tale was no embellished whim. i had met my prince and he had rescued me once before, but those were tiny shadows in the road, this was the darkest of demons, a dragon neither of us was aware nor knew fully of its true power< but alas, here i was waiting with fear and pain. to become free once again, only this time, i would never return...

xxxx
Mystique

It was called Love

It was called love, 

when she was lost and alone.

The misery consuming her,

Each wave stealing a part of her soul.

She was drowning, within her own misery. 

The demons of her past reaching of her battered soul.

Heart gasping, flailing wildly in desperate need of air. 

For light, for a source of hope. 

It was but futile war...

The hurt crawled beneath her skin,

Gnawing at each vessel,poisoning blood, all too pure intention

Her heart pumped a virus that festered Satan spawn within ones mind.

Surrendering her essence to the darkened coldness,

She closed her eyes and gently...

She exhaled...

It was done...

The virus had won, but it wasn't done...

For Dante xxxx 

Mystique 

A moment of weakness

 In a moment of weakness everything seems clear, at least the emotion behind it does,  but then again,  in a moment of weakness a persons true self is revealed and that is what we all fear the most. That in these moments,  before our death;  in times of complete loss and madness and rage; we reveal our hearts true intention; and that which we find:hidden behind these doors is a window into our soul,  but the soul we ni longer know.

Perhaps that is why we find reasons to lie; to hide what we fear we really are inside.  However what if we already know?  If we have already fallen witness to the tyranny and destruction of our true selves. Would that be even more reason to to hide? Too afraid to show the world who,  or rather what,  we truly are...

If this is so, how can we be so selfish as to hide monsters in cotton cages and tame them with time? Is it all in an effort to tame the living beast, and wwith this same notion of time, break its spirit and conceal it within ourselves because that would be foolish of us all.

If however,  all of this may be so, then we are correct to fear these few,  brief moments of weakness,  for they are the ones that will be truly shatter us and reveal the souls that we really are without the masquerade and crumbling walls built to keep us safe, but when these are all to melt away,  I can only hope the ones around us can prepare for the aftermath we will unleash on the enemies of these very soul's,  our tortured souls...

xxxx
Mystique.

To Change

A dream will always be a dream if you dont do anything about it! A mistake will always be a mistake if you dont change it.

Its okay to be affraid of change, I know I am. I was holding on so desperately to the past. All that it had to remind me. the anger and pain and the what if's and things I'd wished I'd done and I just didnt want it to be so. I took a look back into my past one last time and I found Nine year old me deciding she wanted to be a writter. To apture the thousand words that could create a picture so clear, to create a world of her own between the lines, I wanted to pour my hear out for the world to see and perhapse touch a few lives...

I wanted to create something Great! Something like The Outsiders or Wuthering Heights, something that would last threw the years and over time, never fade. I wanted to create poetry in words and move people to tears...

However what i realized in that moment, what nine year old me wanted was exactly what eighteen year old me was affraid to have, to change everything around you and begin all over again is not as simple as we use to think it was when we were in high school, but then again, I was no longer in High School and in order for me to become the person i had for so long yearned to be. I would have to move the mountains within me.

I would change myself as i changed the world and created Greatness...
or atleast that was the plan as I packed a suitcase and began a little journey to my future. the journey to change...

To Change. xxxx
Mystique

For Dante.

A great friend who helped me realize a few things about myself and how strong i actually was made me think of something he liked to call powerful so this one is for you. 

"And she held her heart to the universe and urged the Gods to grant her flight. There was no doubt in her soul for she trusted completely and regret was fear for this..." 

For Dante xxxx

Mystique 

The welcoming comittee

Greetings and Salutations Strangers.

Welcome one and all to my little corner of the world wide web. Unfortunately there will be no grand parades or bands playing happy songs to welcome you here, apparently I'm not that awesome ( i know right, very hard to believe) however, what i lack in big bang and flash, I'll make up in heart. this blog probably wont be something famous or popular but its okay cause its not really set out to be, its just a little window into the life of a girl who's trying to survive in the world out there and maybe even live a few dreams here and there, so stick around, maybe you'll find you have a few things in common. you never know where the journey of life will take you.

Stay extraordinary  xxxx
Mystique.